I got a message from someone requesting that I share my opinion on a situation she was facing. What happened was: Miss X is a part of a BBM group organising a surprise bridal shower for another friend, so you know there will be lots of ladies in the group with all sorts of personalities. One of these ladies (Miss T) sent her a private message to tell her the following...
...that basically they are not age mates because she (Miss T) is older than her and would prefer to be addressed as "Sister T" instead of just "T". The age difference is about 5 years. In this video I respond to her situation. What do you think? Share with me! Is this "sister, aunty" thing taking it too far? Or is what she did okay?
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Sisi... This is always such a funny situation for me. Just a few months ago I helped my sister who is two years my senior out of trouble with my parents. After I helped her I reprimanded her so that she avoids doing it again. She turned around and told me that she is older than me so I have no right to tell her what to do. AFTER I HELPED HER GET OUT OF A MESSY SITUATION. I give up...
ReplyDeleteCall her sista jor, kini big deal
ReplyDeleteme personally anything less than 10yrs gets called by their name no aunty, 4-6yrs we are mates we passed thru high school at the same time, and i'm yoruba. i have friends older than me
ReplyDeleteAll my friends are older than me, I will not call u aunty but I will respect u appropriately. Never rude or condescending. They all know my age and they call me the baby of the group. I respect them immensel
ReplyDeleteReally it isn't a big deal for me. My little sister is 4 years my junior and she respects me but we don't use that whole aunty/uncle thing. As the lady above said, 10 years and above get aunty/uncle. The lady was being petty and obviously doesn't want to participate in the shower of her friend. Respect is given where it's due. When it's not that everyone knows each other? Kini big deal... Ko lo hug transformer jare. Mschewww, obviously she doesn't get respect from her little ones so she wanted to demand it. Rubbish
ReplyDeleteI am with your hubby on this topic o, Sisi Yemmie. I always default to Aunty/Uncle/Bros/Sister until I know the person is younger. I mean, it doesnt take anything away from me.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar experience when I moved overseas, especially, NZ, where my supervisor of 60 years old asked me to call him Brian and didn't want me to even use "sir". I was like "wahala dey o". I struggled for months but I am used to it now after almost a decade out of Naija. But with Nigerians, that culture is still there. It's kind of not a big deal for me too whether someone calls me Bro or my first name.
Another issue is titles lol. I was MCing at an event the other day and I referred to an elderly man as "Mr X". No be small thing o. After the event, the man called me aside and said "I didn't like how you referred to me as Mr". This man isn't an Engineer, doctor or anything with a title o so it wasn't like I missed anything o. But because he's elderly. Since then, I have learned my lesson; all elders, when I am MCing, I called them "Daddy X", "Mummy T" hahaha.
Thank God for Yoruba culture.
i so relate to this i come from a french culture where the use of "vous" is a form of respect and most people now call themselves by first name and it is a struggle for me as i have not been use to it and having lived in Lagos i absolutely understand your situation with your boss as well as the miss t request.
DeleteYemisi I don't agree with you. Only 4 or 5 years? that person needs to go and have several seats in her village where she can be called grandma. I have friends who are 5year+ my senior I call them by their name , I also have friends younger than me and they call me by my name which is absolutely fine with me. My elders sister is 14years my senior and I call her by her name. Its not a big deal in my family my sister will not even answer me if I call her sister or aunty.
ReplyDeleteI will not even tolerate that nonsense aunty talk from anyone, except you are my family member . Aunty kor sister ni. she should go and sleep jare...
Hian. I havent watched the vidéo yet, but my opinion won't changé - àre you my sister? Respect is as respect does. Personally, i will not call her Sister. Or if i feel pressured to, i will call her Sister , then proceed to be as lowkey rude as possible.
ReplyDeleteThe things we put up with in the name of friendship. Sigh
If I hear! Sis/bro? When you are not my family.Respect does not come with additional titles o.I only call 2 people Sis so so and so and that is because we are almost family and I like them.
ReplyDeleteI had a situation a few years back,one girl like that cornered me in the bathroom and said I should not call her by name again,I should add sis,because she knows"we yorubas" are big on respect(she igbo or delta,can't remember).see me see trouble o,and she refused to tell me her age(probably because she was shocked when I told her my age).anyway,her mother said I should just call her mama "her son's name", but me our paths have not crossed since then though.
To be honest,it is not a big deal,but it is not you that would tell me to call you sister,that's just weird and offensive to me.
Are you kidding me? its not that serious nau. I think it is most definitely a yoruba thing. But let me tell you something, i see some yoruba people call someone aunty, uncle, broda and yet be so rude when speaking to them In that instant, the hypocrisy is so amazing. But everyone is different and you can't force anyone to call you aunty or sister. And respect is an attitude not in name calling.
ReplyDeleteFor example, i'm proudly an Igbo girl ehn. and growing up, i had cousins older than me by 10 years who i call by their 1st name. Yet i have never been so bold to speak rudely to them. My sister is older by just 2 years, i've always called her by her name and she sef is not interested in the whole sista business, yet i accord her so much respect you would think say na 10 years she take senior me. But in the same vein, i was not naive enough to assume it would be okay to call my sister in laws by their names, them take like 15 years senior me (and they are ibo too). The funny thing is that as an adult, if you feel the need to call someone by a title, nobody will tell you.
And Sisi Yemmie, you need to get with the program, you wan dey call oyibo, Sir, Mr, for what now? in their case its a cultural thing. At work, the culture is to call people by name, but there are some people who seem very old school so you call them Mr. or whatever.
www.neloshalo.blogspot.com
My sentiments exactly.
DeleteTo me the lady should not have demanded to be called, Sister. Respect should be earned not forced.
ReplyDeleteA domestic violence story
Its also an issue within Nigerian communities abroad. I also adapted the mommy and daddy style for all adults. Where it got dicey was with people you couldn't predict their age, I just use sister n brother and later realised I'm like 5 years or more older but since I started the sister brother thing, I no fit stop am again. Its seen as a sign of respect but honestly its misplaced.
ReplyDeleteLolz...Having a Yoruba mother I can relate, back then if your knees doesn't touch the ground when greeting others she would call you to redo it ���� I had a conversation with my uncle and he was do you know how times you just said Sir, he would ask what of your Mum? Very fine Sir, How are you? I am good Sir. I will tell mummy you called Sir...������
ReplyDeleteHowever, I call people sis based on relationship and I think that's ideal situation. But imagine we were colleagues? Or mates in school but because you are about 3-4years my senior I now start calling you aunty or sister (*in such case you may even be embarrassed). I have found out that at certain occasions people are more embarrassed with the name calling (*my brothers didn't even want when my mum tried to impose it although the gap isn't so much). So depending on the environment and circumstance surrounding our relationship.
One I employed someone older about 4years I didn't literally call Aunty but I accorded her some form of respect but...So for me in a professional environment Ma and Sir may apply, sometimes it may not even be needed. Study the environment.
On this matter it wasn't called for, it was a bbm group. I was just added to bbm group for a bridal party and tho I didn't call people by their names but it would have been very easy for me to have been in this same position.
I for one noticed I refrain from calling people by name for sometimes lack of what to call them. If you don't know what to call them avoid them ���� (*If I was in your shoes sisi yemmie I would have ran from my prof too). I call some of my friends who are married Mr. immediately they get married. I have a friend who is married immediately he got married I now address him as Mr. (*most times in writing).
So I believe it depends. I don't like when friends older than me try to remind me age difference or lord it over me and yes - my dear can be annoying. Once I was trying to explain to my mum that she called me dear oh, she is my cousin and I am like older than her with like 5years if not more but she is in Uni so now I am my dear, my mum didn't get it anyways. ����
She should keep her culture and upbringing for her family members, Biko. 4-5 yrs is nothing and does not deserve to be called "aunty" or "sister"
ReplyDeleteCalling someone "aunty" or "sister" does not mean that you respect them. It is all about actually respecting that person as a senior. I am 30 and have a big cousin in his forties I call him by his name, we are cool like that. But I respect the heck out of him. I cant even dream about giving him a side eye not to talk about being rude to him, I dey crase?
Like someone said above respect is earned not demanded. In my mischievous manner, I will agree to call her "sister T" but will not hesitate to be rude to her while still calling her "sister T" would she prefer that?
"Sister T" has some serious complex issues that she should stop projecting on others biko. Aside from this my cousin I just talked about, if you are less than 9/10 years older than me, and you are not my boss at work or a "formal" acquaintance, then we shall be sticking to firt name basis. Same goes for me, please don't call me sister or aunty if I am 5 or even 7 years your junior.
Don't get me wrong as a Nigerian I know we loooovvvvvee "respect" or the semblance of it, so when ever I get that weird feeling of wanting some type of respect from a younger person I ask myself if I have shown that person respect as a person, and even if a younger person calls me by my name and isn't rude to me I shrug it off as I no fit take respect buy tomato for market.
Sisi Yemmie, I beg to differ o! When I was growing up in Naija, we called all of my parents friends aunty and uncle. This mummy and daddy thing is a new phenomenon. I knew of some friends of the family that called each other sister brother but did not require us to do the same. I reserve mummy and daddy for my parents but as a correct Yoruba girl, I call women of my mother's age "ma" and men "sah". You will not hear me say mummy or daddy...fun kini? I will say "ma, what would you like to eat?...Sah here's the number you asked for and so on and so forth. Same thing with my kids, grandma and grandpa is strictly and solely for their biological grandparents. My mother-in-law wanted my children to call her sister grandma. I promptly told her that my children have 2 grandmas and 2 grandpas. If she wants her sister to be grandma, then she should be ready to be "ma" to my kids, case closed. I buttered her up by telling her that grandma is a term of love and endearment and it takes away the "specialness" of the grandparental relationship when the kids call other people grandma or grandpa. She don gree my own sha. As a culturally aware Yoruba person you have to find ways to be respectful but make your point with finesse. They can't fight you if you are not disrespectful.
ReplyDeleteIf we are blood related I can respect you to the extreme,courtesy of my Yoruba mother who doesn't joke with calling all your older cousins aunties and uncles.The environment I find most annoying is the place of work,imagine working in a place where you call yourselves your first name and one Aunty or uncle who just join will be angry if you call their first name.When I told my mum about this,she said I should call their initials and I think that has been helpful.Im not too young after all.
ReplyDeleteMehn I can relate to this ooo, but the lady should not have done that na its like she was feeling inferior. Respect is reciprocal ooo n i give it to whom it is due. #sisiyemmieblogaddict#
ReplyDeleteWahala wa. I remember having to hint my hubby that he please call my older cousin bro* or at least speak yoruba to him knowing him for who he is, even though hubby's elder brother is even two years older than the said cousin who hubby calls by his nickname sef. We were preparing for our wedding at the time when I overheard hubby talking to him in pidgin English and I could sense the awkwardness in his response already as he dey carry this older than you matter for head, to think he is just two years older than hubby- he doesn't even know this o. I no just want ejo wewe, cos I know my cousin to a fault, before I know it, he will start cooking up stories of how he has heard about hubby being a rude guy that he's full of himself and so on to paint him bad before the family.
ReplyDeleteSame cousin's younger brother too who is just two years older than me, started acting up about not been referred to with the ''e'' accolade just after his wife put to bed. Though we don't talk often as we even live in different parts of the country. I was being my usual self around him when he came visiting with his wife, mum, sister- who is exactly my age and the new baby. His sister later told me that their mum really warned her about not using ''e'' for him o, I laughed and said that it should be the guy's decision nah and even added that he won't even answer if called ''brother'', then she told me that he has been acting up o, that she's surprised too. I was more than disappointed as I thought he was more sensible than that.
My younger brother who I'm 3 yeas older than suddenly started using the ''e'' accolade for me after I got married and it feels awkward for me sef, so I speak in pidgin English to him to ease the formalities as I want him to be VERY free with me and tell me things.
I have friends that are way older than me and we've never had issues. Not to talk of over anty matter.
Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's. I have come to understand that everyone comes from different backgrounds, cultures and up bringing. We need to understand that, respect that and not take it personal. Yes sometimes some people take things to the extreme but for peace to reign and for you to have sanity of mind, just respect the other people's wishes whether you like it or not. Yes it is tough but hey na peace you want sebi? As an igbo girl married to a Yoruba bobo,I quickly learnt that the best way to win the heart of my Yoruba in-laws and family in diaspora is to give them RESPECT! I was brought up to respect my elders but not in the Yoruba way, if una know what I mean *shinning teeth* I have had to bend to that new culture so that I would have peace and enjoy my Yoruba family. As much as we all want to do things our own way, we need to learn to respect others opinion even if it does not suit us. So as Sisi Yemmie has rightly advised, abeg call her 'sister' since that is what she wants or try not to communicate with her directly if you don't feel obliged to call her that,o! Lol!
ReplyDeleteNo one will see this response since it's an old post, but...
DeleteWow! The best response so far. Give to them what they want. Personally, if I am three years or more older than you, dem no born you to call me by name. Truth is you don't have to and I will NEVER enforce it, however, don't expect a relationship and trust me, it's not my loss. Reason is, if giving ordinary respect is so hard for you, we likely will not get along anyway, because I offer it freely. Yep! I respect people and use "e" for people, I expect the same too. No yahwah!
well o...some people carry their own for head like gala...
ReplyDeleteMy major friends are older, way older...nothing like aunty ,bro, sis, uncle.I mean, you have your family members to call you that biko.
I have a friend who is merely 2yrs+mths older, my elder brother's age mate that will not allow me have peace because she is older....
Anyways, where I work in Nigeria here o...it is a taboo to call somebody Ma Sir Mr Mrs....FIRST NAMES ONLY!!! even if na your grandpa mate.
Thank goodness..This affords me a platform to ask a question that has been on my mind.so I'm pretty young, the youngest of all the wives in my husband's home.but I married the first son and I married first.. do I still need to call my sister in laws sister or something? Cos they are at least 4-7 years my senior.
ReplyDelete