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| Sugabelly's work |
If you've not read Sugabelly's story of Rape then you've not been on twitter, Nigerian twitter to be exact. Sugabelly is a talented artist (illustrator) and blogger at sugabellyrocks.com you should check out her drawings :)
Although she has mentioned how Audu Abubakar's son's raped her in the past. Lately because of his passing the story was resurrected and it's a good thing it was brought up because it brings to light the many bad things happening in this Nigeria. Shout out to Sugabelly for sharing her story, it takes a lot of courage. Read it HERE
1. VICTIM BLAMING: No matter the situation, the first thing people do is victim blaming which is the number one reason victims don't share their stories. It starts with " What were you doing there?", "why were you wearing a miniskirt", why didn't you have common sense to leave"...comments like that blame the victim and justifies the abuser.
2. BADLY BEHAVED BOYS : Which i call #BBB. We make so much noise and spend too much time bringing up girls to be good mothers, awesome wives yet we don't do this for boys. Boys are sometime allowed to be "Boys" and we enable their behaving by saying things like "That's how men are". Bring up the boys to be decent men, men of good character and we will have less of all this yamayama behaviour.
3. STIGMA: This is the cross a victim of rape has to bear and it is a heavy cross because they are told things like "Nobody will marry you if you let people know you have been raped". "You are damaged goods". They are often classed as second class and many end up thinking they are not deserving of real love. This is really heartbreaking.
Those hateful comments in response to Sugabelly and her story tells you everything you need to know about rape culture in Nigeria
— Amara Nwankpa (@bubusn) November 27, 2015
4. RAPE HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAN WE THINK: From stories shared it does make me believe that at least 1 girl in every family has the unfortunate experience of being raped. Don't think because you haven't heard stories it is not happening, it is. People just don't share because of the reason's stated above. They are often intimidated into silence.
If only you knew what your sisters, aunts, cousins and your closest female friends have been through and keep to themselves.
— Bubbles (@Asiiia__) November 27, 2015
5. TRUST NO ONE: More often than not Uncles, brothers, neighbours, cousins, house helps, gatemen, drivers are the one's doing most of this raping. It's mostly care givers and people we trust that seem to take advantage of the situation. Don't trust anybody with your child and as a parent always try to be invested in your childs life and trust your instinct.
6. NO JUSTICE: This is the most heartbreaking thing I learnt, rape victims hardly get justice especially as sometimes they are ridiculed and then asked to "prove" it happened which is hard to do. How many cases of rape have you seen justice for? Not many. This is perhaps the biggest reason why rape is still common.
Forget @sugabelly for a second.
If a woman says she's been raped, probability is that she's been raped.
And Nigeria doesn't handle rape well
— ST (@seyitaylor) November 23, 2015
To all the people who have experience rape, you are not a victim but a survivor, I applaud you all for sharing your stories.
Please leave your comments and we can chat more by following me on twitter @SISI_YEMMIE and following me on instagram too @SISI YEMMIE
Please leave your comments and we can chat more by following me on twitter @SISI_YEMMIE and following me on instagram too @SISI YEMMIE
Sis Yemi, Wo, I’m speechless. I didn’t even know when I finished the article she wrote on the ordeal. I am not a fan of Nigerian politics so I know little about Mustapha Audu but rape is criminal act and whether the victim came out right when it happened or later, that is no excuse. Such sinners must be punished! Any man that would dare rape a woman is an ANIMAL!
ReplyDeleteI sincerely hope the Nigerian government steps up policies to protect our women and young ladies from ordeals like this. The time is NOW!
the most painful thing is, these guys are going to walk free... is any organization even looking into this? nawa, I feel bad.. and am so sure they are not remorseful... haaa! let me just stop here before I start laying curses on their generation..
ReplyDeleteHa, this BBB syndrome is a serious one. There's serious work to be done there. So many men are brought up to be wild and entitled. If you don't want them to harm you, you must 'keep' yourself' . No responsibility, no moral standards, no role models.
ReplyDeleteThat's how I went to a friend's place, she has a sister, 11yr old. A neighbour's son was also around, about 7yrs. A movie was playing, a romantic scene came on and she ordered the girl to go inside. I reminded her that the boy was still there, she said " shey you know he's a boy". Isn't that how boys are taught from an early age that they answer to nothing, morally?
We need a change in orientation, we can't continue bringing up damaged men and women.
Sisi Yemmie I'm glad you posted this article cuz I remember a time when you once posted on twitter that parents shouldn't be surprised about little girls who wear short clothing getting molested
ReplyDeleteI agree that parents need to give their sons proper education on sex. A lot of the time mothers advise their daughters on this but do not tell their sons anything. Rapists in Nigeria need to face justice.
ReplyDeletewww.tunrayosthoughts.com
#TrueTalk #FactsOfLife...
ReplyDeleteThat story has got to be the most heart wrenching one I have seen lately! and Nigerians were there chatting rubbish! we need to get it together! Government and individuals alike!
ReplyDeleteHer story might sound complicated but I believe her..she might not be able to express herself or win this case but the truth is a whole lot of women are out there covering a lot.I was raped by a family friend that everyone held in high esteem in the house, respected and practically worshipped..I felt he was uncle so I really was not on guard around him.he forced me and slept with me..only for the fool to come to spend time with my family that same evening..how sad and painful, I was so oooo angry I just wanted him to leave our house, I poured hot water on him,cursed him, was shouting and wanted to kill him but guess what my mother said.. she said she was ashamed of me behaving unruly to a gentleman..it killed me..my mama never asked why I behaved so which was unlike me...i became d sad one here even believing maybe I seduced him unknowingly, that I was the bad one..no one to tell or share my secret with..I saw him for a long time..u can imagine the pain of seeing him.the sadness of being powerless and voiceless....this is my first time expressing myself and I still feel anger and pain deep within me..I never wanted to be raped, I was just 16, young and naive.I was lucky he had a very small manhood but I can still smell his filth, sweat and breath forcing me down despite my crystal my plead..how sad! Have grown now, but am marred despite my smiles
ReplyDeleteThat you can talk about it now means you are a strong woman. I know the pain you must have felt when it seemed like your mum didn't stop to check with you. I know this because I have been there and it was a family friend and at some point my half brother too. you are stronger than you know so please don't give some idiot the liberty of holding you down. you will look back at this someday and smile. cyber hugs to you honey. i am married now with two kids and i cannot boldly say i am completely over it, the pain just gets lesser by the year. it is well with you.
DeleteHmm,sisyemmie, I just read through sugabelly posts, haven't been feeling well and I missed the twitter buzz. For this post, I will comment as anonymous. I so identify with sugarbelly, at age 17, a 27yr old man called Daniel asked me out, he invited me to his place and he raped me, while his friend george was playing games. I was hopelessly in love with him and forgave him, but the abuse continued. People blame sugarbelly for going back, again and again. In my case, he not only abused me, I got pregnant and I had to abort. He didn't even give me money for d abortion, he said he didn't have money and that it was my cross. He will come pick me up after my jamb lesson and have sex with me like 3times before dropping me at home. Vaginally and anal. Few days he was gentle but most times he was rough and raping me. Each time we had sex, I was always shouting his friend's name, George. He will hit me hard and demand I call his name. But psychologically, George's name was impressed in my head because he was there the first day he raped me. So, he resorted to tieing my mouth so that I won't scream. He had a son and it became my duty to drop d boy at school and pick him up. At that age I became his son's mother. Of cos I failed jamb and I had to go for pre degree, he will come pick me from my school hostel, tie my mouth and rape me. I had a very low self esteem and I could not say no to him. He tells me I am ugly, and that no man can ever date me. That my vagina is so lose, my breast fallen, and that he was doing me a favour. I stole money from my parents to give to him. He never bought anything for me save for few times he bought me meat pie / pepper soup and he always collected d back. I couldn't talk to anyone. By my 1st year in university, I had new room mates who were much older. They were in final year and aged btw 23-24. I was 18yrs then, they kept insisting they met my boyfriend that was always sending for me through d hostel porters. They finally met him and they told me he was far from 27yrs, he later confessed he was 35yrs. Bless my roommates, Ifeoma and tayo. They started speaking sense to me, that I needed to break free from him because he was only using me. They gave me the confidence I needed, they told me how beautiful I was and I will find love again. Nights he will send for me, and they will lock me in d room. He threatened them but they stood their ground. Till date, I have a low self esteem. But I thank God, I am gaining my confidence back. I take lots of selfie's everyday people think I am vain,but it is just a daily reminder of how beautiful I am.
ReplyDeleteThank God for your room mates who advised you accordingly. It's sad how men take advantage of women's vulnerability especially at an early age. Pure abuse! Please keep reminding yourself of how beautiful you are and don't let any 'human beast' pull you down.
Deletewww.preciouscore.com
Yes, you are a beautiful, gorgeous, intelligent woman who deserves and will find real joy and happiness. My God will deal with that monster as he deserves, and hopefully our society will begin to pay better attention to this rubbish that has been going on silently for years. In the meantime, please keep your head up, and believe that God has great plans for you. Love always.
DeleteWere you staying alone at the time he asked you out?
DeleteSisi, thanks for making this post. This Sugabelly story is so sad yet it is an eyeopener. Victim blaming and shaming in Africa is so real. I pray God uses her story to heal many broken women. May she find peace. Amen/
ReplyDeleteThis was certainly a well deserved post and I concur with every single point. Praying Sugabelly finds peace. The pain in that article is not to be ignored. Bless you Sisi.
ReplyDeleteThe Sugarbelly post also confirmed that rape is real and part of us. We need to be more careful with our wards. May her broken heart be healed amen.
ReplyDeleteI was also raped thrice too. First was when i and my family went to the pool. I was just 8 years old and while returning from the changing room, a man grabbed me to one corner and was kissing me. I was stunned as i didn't understand what was happening. But i pushed him away and ran to my parents.
ReplyDeleteThe second time it happened in a family friend's house, that same year. While we were playing outside, their son who was supposed to watch over us, called me in and asked me to sit on his laps. He tried groping my body but fortunately some of my brothers barged in and he pushed me away. Then i realized what he might have been up to. But i was scared of telling my parents and his parents because he could easily deny it.
The last and most shocking, was when i was 10 years old and at home. I was lying in my room and felt someone pulling my pants. I'm a very very deep sleeper which i know is bad but i felt i was dreaming because we had no stranger in the house. I opened my eyes and it was my eldest brother. I was shocked and i really can't remember what made him leave me alone. I got up and told my mum and the maid (we had an older lady who served as a housekeeper for us but was more like a sister). I told them someone was in my room and was pulling my pants. But i didn't say who because i was scared for my brother. My dad and mum were extremists when it comes to discipline and they might kill him. So they called all my brothers and questioned them. My brother of course didn't admit he was the one but he never tried it again after that.
I'm just sharing this so people know that their daughters can be raped anywhere and by anyone. Even fathers now rape their daughters. So mothers have to be extremely careful. If i was very close to my mum, maybe i would have opened up totally to her. She also didn't give me any orientation about sex, boys, rape, and all. So i had to figure it out all on my own. I'm only glad i escaped being raped, but many ladies are not so lucky.
I'm married now and we are expecting a baby, but i'm really worried about bringing a daughter into this world that rape is gradually becoming the new fancy for guys and men. It's so sad but mothers and law play the major role in ending this.
@times I wish I can say al dts in my hrt. but 1 tin I knw is dt a small child can never concede to sexual advances
ReplyDeletethe most shocking part of this whole sugarbelly story is that the blaming was done mostly by women. when are we going to stop this rubbish? a woman was raped and the first thing that can come out of your mouth is why did she go back? does it take away the first experience? why do we hate each other so much? are we happy when bad things happen to fellow women? i saw a video once of a girl who was caught stealing a phone and she was stripped naked and men were touching her and putting their fingers into her vagina and women were saying its good for her, why did she steal and blah blah blah.....its so painful. is it ignorance or just plain wickedness? and PS i believe sugar belly completely. at 17, most girls are trying to experiment, sad she fell into the wrong hands. he had absolutely no rights whatsoever. my heart bleeds for Nigeria.
ReplyDeletelord please have mercy the society is already been lawless and no serious justice been done on th wicked men and guys even father raping their 4yrs old daughter disgusting.
ReplyDeleteKudos to sugabelly
ReplyDeleteI pray she finds healing