DEAR SISI: WHEN DO WE NEED TO HAVE THE LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP TALK?

 "Dear Sisi Yemmie. 

Congrats on your wedding to your love Bobo. Your pictures were so lovely. 

I'm not sure if you do this whole advice thing but here it is I have been dating my boyfriend officially for 4 months now, although we have been friends since November last year. We both planned on being just friends , the reason being that he is to leave to the US for his masters this month and we didn't want to start something we couldn't finish. Some how we grew really fond of each other and he asked me to be his girlfriend in April. Now he is about to leave for school in a few days time and I want to know where we stand once he goes because he could be away for at least a year and a half or more depending on how things go.  

He's personality isn't the emotional mushy mushy type, he doesn't say his "I love you and I miss you "s a lot. He is more of the "fix it, let me do something macho to let you know I care about you" kinda guy. He is quite the workaholic and we already live in different towns,we only get to spend time together once or twice a month Because of both our work schedules but I know being in different countries and different time zones will be tougher because we can't afford to visit each other. At least not more than once a year.  

1. How do I bring up the topic of our expectations / goals for this relationship without seeming like I'm putting him on the hot seat, or even seeming insecure. How did you and Bobo handle / overcome this? 
2. What can we do to bond and grow our relationship over this period?
3. Am I expecting too much inform of commitment since we have only been dating a few months? 

I really like him a lot and I believe he feels the same, I'm not in a hurry to get married. But I don't want to be strung along with something I'm not sure about and get hurt in the process. 
Please Help me Sisi Yemmie. 

P.s u can advice me straight by mail or post on your blog.Thanks dear. He is leaving on Sunday. I believe we need yo have the talk soon
I'm 28 and he is 31 this year."

MY RESPONSE

Hey C!

How are you doing?

Thank you for the well wishes!

I'm not an expert but I will try to give you my opinion...

You mentioned that you started off as friends, which is good, and I hope that means you can easily talk to him. I understand that he's not Mr. Romantic but my dear, some issues need to be discussed. You did say he asked you to be his girl friend in April, meaning he knew what he was getting into when he asked you out. It was official in April then.

That was a sign of commitment in my opinion and that's what gives you the right to ask where the relationship is heading to: Are you on a "Lets See How It Goes? Or are you all in? You need to know that. Don't beat about the bush but also approach him when your're both relaxed and just say it in passing, casually. 

If you ask, the worst that can happen is he says he doesn't think he can continue which is not bad considering the other option of waiting till he leaves, 8 months down the line and he says he never fully committed. He should be able to define what the relationship is going to be. Decide how the relationship is going to be preserved, how often you'd try and keep in touch, etc. 

You asked:

1. How do I bring up the topic of our expectations / goals for this relationship without seeming like I'm putting him on the hot seat, or even seeming insecure. How did you and Bobo handle / overcome this? 

Like I said earlier, be casual about it and hopefully you're open to each other in your relationship. Just ask him when you're face to face (so you can read his body language as well)...For Bobo and I we had the conversation but it was very casual, it was more like " when I leave, you'd have to find a way to visit or I might find a way, whoever it's easier for"...we carried on like, oh, it was the next step. It wasn't about if the relationship had to end because of distance ( even though we fought about this after he moved)

2. What can we do to bond and grow our relationship over this period?

Communication is the key, open the channels of communication. You should never be too busy in a day that you cannot call each other (especially now that there's skype, bbm calls etc). Be open about where you are, your activities, your friends, that way you'd feel more involved in each others lives. Buy presents and have them delivered (thank God for online shopping). Also do your best to plan your visits. Bobo and I would turn on skype on our computers ( as long as we are home) and just let the video roll, whether we are talking or not. I can see him moving about his space and he can see me doing my dissertation or something...(this helped us a lot)

3. Am I expecting too much inform of commitment since we have only been dating a few months?

You're not asking him to marry you, what your conversation with him is going to be about is if he's totally in a relationship with you when he travels. You're not expecting too much. With some couples they ease into an LDR, with others it has to be defined. As the relationship progresses, there should at least be an end goal, don't be caught in an indefinite long term/ long distance relationship. 

PS.Express the need for sincerity if you both decide to go into an LDR, because it happens sometimes that one person meets a new person and moves on without telling the other. Could be you or him. Not everyone is prepared to deal with the strains a Long Distance Relationship brings. LDR's are based on promises (90%)...and requires patience. You both need to be ready for it.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best!

Sisi Yemmie

PS: Y'all can leave your comments as well. I look forward to reading what you have to say to C!