DRIVING IN LAGOS: THE REAL RULES AND TIPS!

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On Friday night I jejely went to Ikeja Shopping Mall, crazy things happen to me at that place- I think I should reduce the times I frequent there. I parked and went in to do my shopping, by the time I was ready see the queue to pay for parking at the kiosk, long from here to Kano.

Anyways, so I was trying to pull out but because Lagos drivers are so wicked nobody gave me chance, I was there for like 10 minutes trying, when I noticed these drivers nor get the fear of God, I told my cousin to biko help me come down and beg one driver so that they can just wait for 2 seconds while I pull out, somebody finally greed. 

As I was pulling out I noticed another car trying to "over-take" me, nor be clear eye I use take roll my glass down and insulted the living daylights out of the driver, the man look flabbergasted and he was like “is it not me that slowed down for you?” 

Me: “which smelling slow down?” and you are now trying to overtake as I am reversing, something is wrong with you”...

He looked at me with open eyes and continued, “I am the one that slow down for you, but you are not fast”...

 It then registered in my brain that he was the one my cousin begged to stop, so I turned to him and flung a nasty “Thank you jor”  and continued my rant to him, “ you help me , you kon still confuse me, have I finished reversing? Ehn? Ehn??? The man just shook his head, I didn't know when I burst out laughing. 

I have said it so many times, if trumpet blow while I’m driving on Lagos roads I will not make heaven nitori I go don insult pesin life, their past generation and unborn ones. It’s a bad habit I acquired lately. If you’re new to driving in Lagos let me share with you tips that I believe will honestly help you. I have learned this after 5 months of driving in Lagos:

• The first thing you have to be aware of is this: every other person driving dey krase, you are the only sane person. Don’t intercept them, don’t try to correct them, just go your own. Your goal is to get from your starting point to your destination SAFELY.

• If you want to get through to another lane, DO NOT use your pointer to signal  it, immediately the cars behind notice that you’re trying to divert they speed up quickly as if there is a secret plot to keep you from diverting!

• There is nothing like staying in your lane when it comes to driving, switch lanes as easily as you please do not use your pointers, just enter, and just divert: this is a special skill only few have, I am one of them. Also be alert, people will turn off without signaling, and some will enter your lane unexpectedly.

• Learn how to insult, this will come handy. People will abuse you, you have to give as good as you get, “oloshi” is too common an insult, learn the ones like “olori buruku agbaya aburo oloshi”…now you’re talking.

• You have to learn how to use your breaks, you musty know how to stop SUDDENLY! You must also know how to not stop suddenly because a car from behind will hit you and it will be your fault!

• Use what you have to get what you want, since people will not allow you divert, if you are blessed with good looks just flash a smile and wink at the other driver, the odds will be in your favour if they’ve had a good day.

• Honk your horn always, in fact change the horn that came with your car and install the ones that trailers and tankers use, then feel free to blast the ear of any body that is in front, beside, behind you. Don’t allow okada riders with their trailer horns to bully you. Be the bully.

• This tip is most useful at night, turn on your full lights to blind anyone coming from the opposite direction, if you have halogen lamps, ahhh, even better. Kill them!

• Any car in front of you is too slow, turn on your full lights and honk your horn till the mungo park gets off the way, don’t they know who you are?

• When there is a traffic jam,  go neck to neck, bumper to bumper, don’t even allow space for breeze to pass between your car and the others, this can delay your journey by a second!

• The kind of car you drive determines how much power you have on the road, if you’re driving picanto just stay in your lane, expect all dem danfo to disrespect you. My ideal car to drive in Lagos is a TUNDRA!

• Accelerate at full speed, even in residential areas. Time waits for no one. Your minimum speed should be 80kph

• If you jam pesin car don’t stop unless there’s traffic and you know the person can race to catch up with you. If the road is free, abeg, ahead ahead!

• The only time you pay for damages to a car is if you destroy any of the lamps, but if it is a bump or a scratch, just say sorry and move on!

• Never take road rage personally, when you fight on the road make e end there, once you over take that person, remove it from your mind of not you will die of heart attack. It’s never that serious.

• You have to up your swerving skills when driving in Lagos, because you will need to swerve from potholes, broken down vehicles, discarded sachet of pure water and people texting and driving at short notice.

• When over taking, always turn to look at the next person eyeball to eyeball, just because! That is the joy of over taking.

• Never drag lane with danfo, taxi drivers or keke maruwa, trailers, tankers you will be the sorry one. You have been warned.

• Lagos driving is not just defense driving, it is attack, surrender and Oluwafolorunsho driving. Be alert! O ti su mi!

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